Sometimes we don’t have time during the work day to get to the important things. . .
I had a friend ask me about grief and co-workers and then the phone rang so I didn’t get to answer her.
I have to say, as an aside, that I love being the go-to-person for grief. Yes, if you have read this blog, you know it is a passion of mine.
But anyway, this is kind of how it started off. . .
“So Jen Jen (note: don’t ever call me Jen Jen . . . this one person is the ONLY person in the world that it’s okay from because the alternative was worse), I wanna ask you about grief. . . I’ve sent emails, left cards, said something in person. . . but what’s the best thing to do? I don’t want to make someone cry at work. . . Personally, I hate crying and I don’t want anyone to feel bad. . . what should I do?”
I thought it was a great question, minus the Jen Jen…. but that’s another post. LOL
So seriously. . . what do you do?
Here is my answer to this situation:
We don’t make anyone cry. We don’t cause anyone to be bereaved.
We hurt no one by letting them know we care.
We can invite someone to get in touch with their grief, if they choose.
What most people don’t get is that the bereft are, please pardon the pun, “dying to tell their story”.
They want to hear that person’s name.
They want to share.
Well, most do.
There are some who are shut off or shut down and they will let you know.
But what I have learned over the years through others and through my own journey, is that people want to share their stories.
Think about wearing your pink ribbon or your Livestrong bracelet. They beg for dialogue.
Still don’t believe it? Google grief or look around on WordPress. . . there are at least a dozen blogs of people sharing their stories of loss and healing and struggle. . .
When I was in TN, I wore my red ribbon every day. I had no problem telling strangers that my brother died of AIDS. Or that I had worked with AIDS patients.
Did you have a mom or a favorite aunt die of breast cancer? Is that why you wear your pink ribbon? Do you share her story or your story with her?
We want to connect.
We want to remember. We often feel broken. . . we want to be re-membered. . .
We are in touch with that person, engaging their “spirit” and that very noble part of us that is not bereft but it and will always be connected with the person who died.
So in the workplace, let someone know you care. It’s okay. I don’t know of anyone who has ever been upset that someone showed a little kindness at work. . . and in some workplaces, it might be the only kindness that if offered.
If you are unsure, be discreet. You don’t have to do it at the water cooler or in the middle of a staff meeting, but you can stop by someone’s cubicle or office.
Let them know if you are open to talking. Be prepared to listen and not share your own stories; early grief usually dictates that it is their story that is important and again, if they are like most of us, their story is on their mind.
They may be foggy or scattered and even if they like you and care about you, they may be “full” and can’t really attend to you or your feelings/story.
So let them know if they can email or call you outside work. Let them know that you are open for coffee, if they are interested. But don’t if it is only politeness. If you put it out there, expect that they will take you up, even if they don’t.
What I have never found to be helpful?
Ignoring the loss.
Telling someone you know just how they feel.
Going into a running dialogue about your own losses.
Telling them that the person who died is better off. . . even if you believe that. . .because (and I have to be frank here… ) most people would gladly have the person back in bad condition than to be without them. It seems counter intuitive, but it’s true.
Don’t tell them that time will heal. We want it better right now or we want the person back. Heck, we want both, right now.
I will never forget pulling out of the gas station, my first day back from driving to work after my mentor died. I think I said, out loud in the car, “what’s wrong with these people? Don’t they get that the most important person on the planet is gone?” Unfortunately, 10 days later, the world was right there with me, as we sat in horror . . . watching the twin towers implode.
That week, I knew that people got how I was feeling. I didn’t know anyone who was not touched some how and it made my own loss a bit more bearable that the whole world was grieving and at the same time, it didn’t matter.
We are forever touched by the people who come into our lives. . . even if I never meet Ben over at http://bennaga.wordpress.com/ but his poetry often moves me or Wendy at http://meaningfulwesternlife.com/ whose blog reminds me of the benefits of MBSR , Lou over at http://talesfromthelou.wordpress.com/ who is a warrior for telling the truth no matter what, or Marty http://ptsdawayout.com/ who shares everything he knows about mindfulness who healing hearts and brains of people with PTSD, or William at http://fiercebuddhist.org/ who inspires me to try my hand at haiku or http://mindmindful.wordpress.com/ where I find a little different perspective on all things mindful, but my life has been touched by their blogs, by their kindness, by them showing me the ropes and answering my questions. I would be sad if I could not check in with their daily tales and insights.
And yet these are people who I do not know. People who have not broken bread with me, shared sorrows and joys. But I want to share their work with you.
Can you imagine how much I want to share the wise words of my former mentor or the love that I have for my grandfather or brother?
So if you still have any doubts about offering condolences, ask yourself, if someone I cared about was gone, what would I want? (Remember when Seinfeld or Friends went off the air? You wanted to talk about it, right?… )
What would you yearning for when you were without a person that you loved dearly?
Hopefully that answer will sink deeper than my words.
Peace, Jennifer
Related articles
- When Grief Has You (namasteconsultinginc.com)
- Grief Theories (namasteconsultinginc.com)
- Stop All the Self Help and Start Self Care (namasteconsultinginc.com)
- Q & A: Still Grieving??? (namasteconsultinginc.com)
- Expanding Our View of Grief (my.psychologytoday.com)
- Grief (valleyroadrambler.wordpress.com)
- Grief/Love (kylemew.com)
- Mirrored grief (carolinatexan.wordpress.com)
- Walking through Grief – Part 1 (thedailysisterhood.wordpress.com)
- Given a choice between grief and nothing – – (texasgaga.wordpress.com)
Thank you for sharing and connecting. I couldn’t agree more. As a person grieving, I do want to share my story. I appreciate people telling me that they care … and it doesn’t have to be through words.
Thanks so much Doug! It is great to get that affirmation. Hopefully others will find comfort from those of us who are not afraid to talk about illness, dying, and grief.
Your site is a beautiful tribute to the love that you and Traci have and how you carry it in the very “now”. What an honor!
Metta, Jennifer
Great post. Very important points you made. Thank you.
I would like to add one word to give high consideration to that I feel is ery important to a person who is grieving. Are you “safe” for the person to talk to?
Can you be trusted to be respectful and honor them?
Is the environment a safe place for conversation?
What are your true motives for wanting to engage I this conversation?
What has your past history been with this person?
For example
If your the office gossip and offering to go be there for them in any way during thier time of loss you maybe adding to their grief by offering them an unsafe place to disclose. Know the person can feel like circus side show He or she has to do additional work on their part to evaluate will you honor this extremely personal moment with or are you making this offer to get the scoop so you can be the first to spread the details.
Many times people share with a complete stranger as it is “safe”. They don’t need to worry if they will be judged or if their intimate disclosure will be held against them in the future as with a stranger there are no plans up front to have a future with them.
So be honest what are your motives?
Is it to be the first reporter on the seen?
Is it that you think if they talk the grief will pass and you will feel better as their loss makes you feel uncomfortable?
Or are you ready to be in The moment? To be compassionate and totally present in Their moment of personal grief and loss, blessings and tales?
Know what makes you tick
Be conscious of how you make your offer.
Be respectful they may need time to evaluate are you safe and are they ready to talk.
If you are sincere about being supportive don’t give up on them.
Don’t get upset and make this about you if they tell someone else first. It was probably just timing. Be grateful they had a source to reveal to when they needed it
Understand they will most likely need to share their story multiple times
Leave the door open for them in the future. Example
How many sympathy cards do you purchase ? Most people buy one, which is nice but how about buying more. Get a pile of thinking about you cards to send every week or two over the next few months to let them know they are for them. That their loss is important to you and you are keeping them in you prayers and thoughts. Help them feel safe, comfortable and confident to talk when the time is right for them
I hope there aren’t too many typos I’m writing this on my phone. LOL
Again Keep up the great work!
You are exactly right Lori! If you’re in it for the gossip or because you think you have to be nice, walk away.
I didn’t even think to say that. I guess I can’t imagine that but I am sure it goes on.
I like your idea about having several sympathy cards. I have platinum status at Hallmark and it is because I always make sure I have a stack of bereavement cards. I get a monthly statement that tells me how much I need to keep my status and get some coupons. I get whatever I need, a birthday or anniversary card, and then the rest of my points go to sympathy cards. . . I never leave a Hallmark without one and if by chance I find a real winner, I usually buy them out of it.
And yes, if we can be there in the long run, keeping that door open is so important. . . there may be parts of our story that we don’t want to have to retell again and again so if we have a stable and caring friend that we can share what is immediately in our hearts, without having to back track, that is a true gift.
We do need to be aware of our boundaries and our heart . . . can we be there unselfishly? Can we hold their heart (and ours)?
I really appreciate your wise words Lori!
Metta, Jennifer
Jennifer,
I feel so honored that you mentioned my blog here. Truly honored. Your blog is one that I love to follow and when I see a notifications from your posts it is always helpful and inspiring.
What you are doing to help others goes beyond what one might imagine. I know I have forwarded your posts to my friends that needed your wisdom and I’m sure the ripple effect is huge. For me, I don’t have any significant grief in my life at the moment but I know that one day I will, and that your wisdom will be there for me when I need it most.
Reading this post brought tears to my eyes as you described how all these bloggers you haven’t met have touched your life. Whenever I have any doubt that my blog is worth doing, I will re-read your post.
You are a gift, thank you Jennifer,
~Wendy
We’re all in this together Wendy, right?! That’s why how we learn to love and then, grieve. No one teaches us how to live through that later though. So, we breathe in and out and remember that we are One.
Thanks for the fellowship and sisterhood.
Let’s hope we change the world, breath by breath.
Peace, Jen
Reblogged this on MeaningfulWesternLife and commented:
Jennifer’s Namaste Consulting blog is a very special one that I want to share with you all. She shares her expertise on dealing with grief. Something everyone can truly benefit from now or in the future.
Reblogged this on Valley Road Rambler and commented:
Guest post today, from a blogger whose very sensible and sensitive approach to speaking with survivors I find very refreshing and insightful. Here, Jennifer addresses the difficult subject of Grief in the Workplace – how to talk with your co-workers who are grieving. She makes some excellent points and I agree with all of them. Bottom line: when faced with a tragic loss, care and share concern for your co-worker, and be prepared to listen. Read the comments at the original post too: very interesting.
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