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Archive for the ‘Anger’ Category

All violence is injustice.  Responding to violence with violence is injustice, not only to the other person but also to oneself.  Responding to violence with violence resolves nothing; it only escalates violence, anger, and hatred.  It is only with compassion that we can embrace and disintegrate violence.  This is true in relationships between individuals as well as in relationships between nations.

~~  Thich Nhat Hanh, “Cutivating Compassion to Respone to Violence”

This quote is a bit of a hard one to chew on right now.  First because it feels like we are enveloped in a violent world.

We’ve ravaged the planet.  Multiple countries are at war in the world and no one except, maybe France, has declared war. . . or so it seems. Our political candidates are inciting mobs to injure people and some are saying hateful things about certain groups that if the candidate laid a hand on the people they hate so much, it would be called a hate crime because of their protected status.

A war on drugs.  On cancer.  On the left.  On the right.  Women.  Abortion.  Christmas.  We seem to have a constant sale on wars and we can’t get enough.  And all of this violence and absolutely nothing feels just.

On a personal note, this quote is a bit tough to meditate on becuase I find myself getting so angry when I read Facebook.  I want to (and admit I sometimes do) post messages that are mean, name-calling, etc.  It is all just TOO much.

But then, I take a minute and reflect which then leads me to reflect on more things for more time.  One of the things I keep trying to bring to my mind’s eye is a picture from a Thich Nhat Hanh talk (I don’t remember if he said this in 2003 when I saw him or if it was an audio Dharma talk).

He said when you are seated on your cushion, sit tall and steady.  And place your hands on your lap, palms up, and imagine a baby Buddha sitting in your palms.  Hold your hands like you are cradling the baby Buddha and allow a half-smile to come to your face as you glance down at the baby.

I find when I can remember to do this, to take the time, it settles me.  I try to think, what if whomever I am angry at was the baby Buddha.  How would my anger, my frustration, my mindlessness affect the baby? Would I want to do that to the baby Buddha?

And lately, I have been asking myself, can you hold the whole planet like it is the baby Buddha?  Some days I can and I feel at peace.  Other days, I don’t think I can hold anything because I have fists, not open palms.

Right now, where are you?  Can you sit and imagine yourself as the baby Buddha?  The planet?  The person who cut you off on the parkway?  Your boss?  The person at the grocery store?  Can you imagine any little bit of love that can start to cool the embers that envelope us all on this planet?

Take gentle care and remember those around you are suffering just like you.

Love and peace, Jennifer

 

 

 

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Driving up to see my parents today, I was thinking about yesterday’s post. I wrote

How many times do we hold on to things we heard growing up?  How many times do we refuse to look at a thought because we can’t imagine who we would be without it?   ~ Let Your Ideas Go

As I was driving, I was thinking of how much hate there is in the world, but in particular, in this country.  Our education system is failing.  We have more and more people being home schooled with very little oversight.  If you never leave your home, how do you ever learn that what’s you have heard your whole life is garage?  Is lies?

What happens when you are taught generation after generation of hate, lies, misinformation, bigotry, etc? When you don’t get to socialize with others?  I think it was when I went to college when I finally found out how different other’s had grown up and what they had learned and believed.  

If we never have the opportunity to un-learn what we’ve learned or never have the chance to learn another side, how can we grow, thrive, trust, and foster compassion?

Has our rustic individualism, cowboy-mentality, racism/sexism, etc in our country created out uneducated, unempathetic, and unkind world?  Is there a way to turn back or is it that with social media and a total lack of privacy that we see that it’s always been this way?  Is this what has allowed people like Trump to exist and thrive and spew his hatred??

Thought?  Ideas?  Suggestions?  Comments?

Take Gentle Care, Jennifer

 

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Whether we’re looking inside ourselves or outside ourselves, we need to cut off the head of whatever we meet, and abandon the views and ideas we have about things, including our ideas about Buddhism and Buddhist teachings.

Thich Nhat Hanh, “Simply Stop”

Well, this is probably a paraphrase of one of the most famous Buddhist sayings. . . in other words, “If you see the Buddha in the middle of the road, kill him.”

Yes, I am continuing my topic of letting go that I started earlier today.  In that post, I wrote about letting go of a friendship that is no longer useful, beneficial, or healthy.  But what about our ideas?

Here’s an interesting one from my personal life. . .   My father was estranged from his sister for a good portion of his life.  I grew up hearing that he would walk on by even if she was struggling and needed help.  He would not talk to her for any reason.  She tried to call a few times and he refused to take them.  Mom tried to get him to talk to her.  Finally, as my dad’s aunt (the only living sibling from that generation) was getting on in years, closer to dying, she talked to my dad about this a lot.  There is great wisdom in the generations before us.  Especially from our elders.

Dad went back home to go to his aunt’s funeral and he took the trip over to see his sister.  I thought I might die of a heart attack.  I never, never thought I would see that day.

They didn’t get any closer in the 2 years prior to her death.  He called from time to time to see how she was and she was so sickly he usually talked to her eldest daughter.  He did return for her funeral as well.

I’m not sure if he found peace of mind (and heart) by getting a hold of her, but he felt that out of his respect and love for his aunt, it was the right thing to do.

How many times do we hold on to things we heard growing up?  How often do we continue to listen to the tapes again and again?  Or worse, how many times do we refuse to look at a thought because we can’t imagine who we would be without it?

So here are my questions to you:  What things to you believe to be truthful about the world you live in (your personal world and the world we all share?  What are the thoughts that you would die to defend?  What are one’s that you question but haven’t been able to let go of?  What thoughts or beliefs have you been able to shed and how was your world changed without them?

Yours truly on this crazy journey.

Jennifer

 

 

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It is hard to let go of things, harder to let go of ideas, and even harder to let go of spiritual pretensions. Over time, as we familiarize ourselves with the many subtle twists and turns of letting go, we begin to be more savvy about how ego steps in to appropriate the entire process. In the millions of mini-decisions we make day by day and moment by moment, we are challenged each time either to let go or to re-solidify.  ~~~  Judy Lief, “Letting Go”

This has been a huge topic in my life this year and I finally came to grips with the face that I needed to sit with this topic or go mad.  Well, not really.  More like be mad, frustrated, hurt, angry, disappointed, betrayed, etc.  And I think I could write 100 blogs articles on this topic and never feel satisfied.  But from now until my next birthday, March, I plan to look at this topic, again and again, to see what truth it holds for me.

The hardest thing to let go of this year was a long time friendship. . . no the long, long ones, but someone who I’ve known about 10 years and had immense faith in up until recently.

It’s so painful to feel betrayed and lose the fidelity of someone you consider to be family, to be a sister, and someone whom you’ve shared the intimate stories of your life.

I’ve long known that friendships did not last forever.  I’ve lived in many places and have lost touch with people mostly because we were out of proximity.  I few people I’ve even turned away from when my grief was too much and I could not take the energy expenditure it took to keep up with the friendship.

And what I have found with time is that letting go of idea, belief, quest, dream, person, etc. is that there are layers and layers to let go of.  For example, when Mike died, I lost a brother.  I lost my big brother.  I lost the person whom I looked up to, especially on things of culture as he loved music, fashion, the arts, cooking, etc.  I miss that influence in my life.  Genetically, he was the person closest to me in the world.  And for those of you who haven’t lost a sibling, that might not make sense and I hope you never have occasion to “get it”.

But just as this was true for Mike or Harris & Barb, or anyone else I have loved, it is true of our dreams, our fears, and our desires.

I ask you to join me, in the months ahead, to look at your life and see what no longer fits, what hurts, what you never use, what you can’t have because there is no space in your life, or who you need to let go, by choice or my circumstance.

Ask yourself:  How does this benefit my life today?  Does it bring me closer to my dreams?  Does it connect to the deepest part of me?  Can I trust this person?  Do I trust them enough to bring up the subject and work through the problem?  What about your health, your mental health, your body, etc?    Are there things you need to let go of, release out into the cosmos?  Do you need to say goodbye to stress, anxiety, mindless eating, anger, a stale job, or habits that do nothing or perhaps harm you?  Ask yourself what are you willing to look at?  Do you have support as you look at these things?  Maybe even start of with that question first — if you are going to let go and allow healing to occur, who is there to support you in your process?

Feel free to share via post or email.  If you use the Ask Here tab, you can email and if you tell me not to share it in a post, I will happily respect that request.

May your heart know great love and gentleness.

Jennifer

 

 

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The Third Noble Truth. . .   There is an end to suffering. But how?  Don’t you think if everyone knew there was a way we’d all be signing up?  Ani Pema Chodron writes in Comfortable with Uncertainty, “. . . suffering ceases when we let go of trying to maintain the huge ME at any cost.  This is what we practice in meditation. When we let go of thinking and the story line, we’re left just sitting with the quality and the energy of whatever particular ‘weather’ we’ve been trying to resist.”    What?  Okay, no wonder were not lining up around the corner.  I love Ani Pema but what does this mean in real terms?

The cessation of suffering is to put an end to the cravings, clinging, desire, ignorance, obsession and more.

Oh, okay.  Wait, what?  We can stop suffering by stopping are ignorance and desire?  We can stop it when we let go and stop clinging?  That’s great!  Wait, who would I be without my attachment or my perseverating?  How can I stop wanting?  I’m sure there will be an iSomething out soon. . .  and I will HAVE TO HAVE IT!

Wait, there’s more. . .

When suffering is stopped, there is also no more rebirth, suffering, and no dying again.  This is the liberation of all beings from the cycle.  Then we are free.

Mandy Barrow, on resources.woodlands-junior.ket.school, a homework resource for kids in the UK, interprets the Third Noble Truth like this:  “The third truth is that suffering can be overcome and happiness can be attained; that true happiness and contentment are possible.  If [we] let go of our craving and learn to live each day at a time (not dwelling in the past or the imagined future) then we can become happy and free.  We then have more time and energy to help others.  This is Nirvana”.

We have so many stories in our heads.   We have so many wishes in our hearts.  And the more impossible they are, the more we probably want them, and the more we want them, the more suffering we have.  I have some that I am not sure I will ever want to let go of, no matter how much pain they cause.  To me, some of these stories, at least right now, are the breath that keeps me alive.  But if I want contentment, peace, ease, am I willing to let go of that which I grasp onto the tightest?

I think it’s so important to do this work (see the upcoming post on the Eight-fold Path) with the Buddha,  Dharma, and the Sangha.  They are our inspiration, our safety net, they are our teacher, and our support.  If the journey was easy, a lot more of us shining in our contentment.  But there isn’t. . . whenever starting a journey into the unknown, make sure you have your tools, your guide, and your desire to let go.

And the best news, the Buddha gave us the tools.  The Fourth Noble Truth is the tool, the ultimate tool.  The Fourth Noble Truth is that they way out of our suffering is The Eight-fold Path.  Over the next few days, in addition to other things, I will write about The Path.

Until then, ask yourself some gentle, kind, questions and just sit with what answers come up for you.  What would you be without your storyline?  You desires?  You want for a different outcome?  Who would you be if you were not always right?  Who are you, stripped down of all the trim and trappings?  Are you ready to sit and be present to whoever it is you find?

With deep respect and honor,

Jennifer

 

 

 

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In his book, Peace Begins Here, Thich Nhat Hanh writes:  “Despair is the worst thing that can happen to us.”  He was a young monk during the war in Vietnam and he knew that those around him were suffering and feeling like no hope was in sight; maybe hope wasn’t even possible.  After being silent for quite awhile, Thay said to those around him:  “Dear Friends, the Buddha said everything is impermanent.  The war has to end one day.”  He felt this was important for people to hear at that moment.  He hoped that they realized there were things for them to do to life themselves out of the despair, once they realized that that’s where they were.

And as I was reading, I thought these were important words to live by, for me, here and now, both on the global level and the individual level.  Right now, I am facing a difficult situation, a bit of a crossroads and don’t know which way to go and since I am not clear, I find that I can get trapped right where I am, stagnant, fretting, wondering, conjecturing, etc.  And what does that do but wake up me up at 3am.  It saps my energy, makes me cranky, increases my stress, I have more pain on more days, and shut down and off, alienating myself from the few people right around me that care.

Isn’t that how I, and much of the world, feels right now about the situation with our planet melting, children going hungry, the rich getting richer, it being illegal to feed a homeless person, people being killed because they show up to help people at the job at Planned Parenthood and are being killed, etc.  Or they go to a movie, a game, a holiday party a restaurant and are being bombed.  We are paralyzed by fear and smoldering anger that we don’t know what to do with, that we cannot fathom there is anything that we can do with that intense level of emotion.  We get stuck, we stew, we head to Facebook or Twitter and rip into someone or some idea.  We get barely a second of satisfaction but it’s hallow and it doesn’t last.  All it does is exercise our anger muscles, making them stronger.  Sounds like my life is a mere echo of what so many in the world are feeling today.

But in his book, Thay goes on to say,  “It is very important to find out what we can do every day so that we don’t drown in an ocean of despair.”  He explains further that there are Israelis who do not agree with their government and speak out and they need to be supported.  At the same time, there are Israelis who refuse to go to war because they know it is wrong.  Does that change the pain and suffering of the Palestinians?  Yes and no.  Does it solve the bigger picture or end the war, hate, and deaths?  No.  There is no simple answers or remedies to that.  Does it help to know that there are people on both sides who want peace and do not want to see one more generation of people killed?  Yes.  It helps to give you a bigger perspective, to move from fear and anger into feelings of unity, cooperation, and hope.

We can’t always wait for sweeping gestures or one final solution to a conflict, global or not.  Some times it is the simple smile or acknowledgement by a stranger that can snap us into a different frame of mind.  We move ourselves from the perspective of being stuck, overwhelmed, and seeing no way out to having some sort of options.  Or we know someone else out there feels similar about a situation.  It’s a sliver of light in a dark universe.  It’s the seed of change being watered and cared for until it becomes a seedling.

In my own situation, it does me no good to sit and brood about my problems or to wallow in the Poor Mes.  I’ve done it, sat in it and it’s time to change that diaper.  So I do not have the power to change my ultimate outcome but I can change my perspective on the path from here to there.  I can educate myself, talk to others, do something for others, reach out, ask for help, sit with the painful feelings and fear and work to accept that right now, that’s where I am at.  I can blog, meditate, visualize, ask questions, listen, inject humor.  And like in Logotherapy, I can think of and feel the most outrageous thing associated with my situation, the things I fear the most, deep down within my cells, and see the absurdity or anxiety which stems from those fears.  Then I am able to move through feeling paralyzed to action, advocacy, helping others, etc.

Everything in life is impermanent. . .  this election cycle, global warming, all of the hatred for people who are “the other”.  Our health, our age, our relationships, our grief, our illness, our vocation, our material things. . .  none of them last in this existence, in the same way, unchanging forever.  That takes some of the pressure off.  It lifts us out of option reduction and narrow thinking to realize that things will change when we take a minute (or longer).  I think despair is even more deadly, darker, more stuck than hate or anger.  I think that despair can be the quagmire that some cannot turn back from.

So here are my questions to you (and to myself):  where are you, here and now, in your ideas, feelings, perceptions, relationships, grief, boredom, etc?  Where are the areas of your life that you cannot imagine ever changing, ever being better, ever being worse?  What is it like for you to be with that?  If you sit with the idea and feeling that something in your life that matters, good or bad, will not last, will be gone, what comes up for you?  What arises when you think of your health disappearing?  Your youth?  The love of your life?  Your enemy?  What are the things that bring up loss in your heart?  Can you let them light in your heart?

One of the most amazingly healing things that I have ever done, and I know I have written about it before, is the tapes/cds, by Stephen and Andrea Levine, The Heart of Grief.  They describe the huge painful losses and griefs, the small daily ones, the ones we don’t think we want to live after, the ones that make us or break us.  Its a good program to listen to when you want to meditate on impermanent.  There are also meditations that you can do, such as ones on end-of-life. . . but start off small.  Don’t take on the huge issues, especially without support.  Find a mediation buddy or teacher or sangha or therapist.  And if you never heed these words about anything else in life, heed them on your journey. . . take gentle care of yourself.

In light and hope,

Jennifer

 

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So in my post the other day, #Enough, I started to discuss the Four Noble Truths.  The first truth is: Life has inevitable suffering.  In Pali, the word for suffering is dukkha.  Dukkha can also mean ill-being, uneasiness, pain, or suffering.  Our experiences are not satisfying.  We cannot avoid pain, illness, trauma, stress, etc.  We age.  We get sick.  We experience the death of a loved one.  We can feel restless, hurt, disappointed, let down, depressed.  All of these experiences are seen or felt as negative and give us some sort of discomfort.  Right now, it’s 85 degrees in my office and I’m flushed and cranky.  That is dukkha.

When I read the posts on Facebook this week, I felt sadness, anger, frustration, helplessness, fear, etc.  All of this is suffering.  All over the world.  It’s unavoidable if you are sentient.  Think about childbirth; wonderful thing, right?  But with it comes morning sickness, nausea, stretch marks, pain, contractions, bloating, and swollen ankles and feet.  Yes, our end result is the beautiful life we bring into this world, but that beauty and love, and natural impulse toward bringing life into this world comes with difficult experiences.

And just as our suffering is part of our experience, from the very first breath we take, so is our innate desire to move away from pain.  I’m a baby and I’m hungry.  I want to move away from the hunger and I cry to let you know I need something.  Suffering.  I can’t leave a job I have, despite hating it, because I need the money, insurance, whatever it is that we get from being employed.  Suffering.  Payday comes and I feel happy to have money.  Almost all of my money goes towards paying bills and I’m left with enough to just get by. . .   Suffering.

No matter how happy we are, how loved we feel, how grounded, we still experience this kind of suffering.  It’s December and I’m too cold and wish it was 85.  It’s July and humid and I want it to be cold.  All this suffering that we try to escape.  And escaping isn’t necessarily bad but it can also cause more suffering.  But do I even realize I am suffering or am I just constantly ill-tempered and don’t know that I am constantly complaining.  This is suffering because I don’t even know what is contributing to my pain, and sometimes, I do not realize that I am in pain.

Stephen Levine has a wonderful cd mediation about grief.  Not just the loss of a person but all of the losses in our lives, such as pain.  So, he’s really talking about our dukkha.  And as he asks us to acknowledge it, feel it in our bodies, through the meditation he asks us to connect with all being, all over the world and in all times, that are having or have had the same experience of pain.  We connect with them and we see we are not alone.  We realize that if others feel pain, that pain is universal.  This realization can helps us to move from my pain into the pain.  Even though we are acknowledging all the pain in the world, when we look at the pain, it becomes easier to handle.  It’s not my pain or even our pain; it is the pain.

I had moved when I was in college, not really by my choice or so I thought at the time.  I had just spent two years studying existentialism and had read The Plague by one of my favorite authors, Albert Camus.  I felt alone, lonely, angry, frustrated, out of place. . .  I felt like I had been exiled from my own land, the place I knew and had lived for 20 years.  When I remembered Camus’ book and how some of the people felt out of place, I felt better.  I could relate and I felt less alone.  Someone, even it was Camus, as depicted by the characters in his book, knew the experience I was in.  I knew I wasn’t as alone, despite the fact that Camus had died in 1960 (11 yrs before my birth).

Two years later, I found out my brother had HIV and again, I turned my attention to Camus.  As Mike was dying and I was finishing college, I went to work for an AIDS social service agency.  I felt the plague all around me; not the HIV, but the suffering and dying.  Everyone I knew, save my parents and friends back home, was dying.  I felt like I was suffocating at times.  But when I thought of the residents of Oran, Algeria, and how they watched the suffering of others, sometimes to the point of doing not much more than talk about the weather to avoid the suffering that was everywhere.

As I worked with this fear, pain, sadness, and overwhelming experience, I realized, we are all dying.  All over this planet, as long as people had been alive, they were dying.  We might experience it differently, but in the end, dying.  So when I could settle myself and breathe, I could see that whether we knew we had an illness or not, whether we could predict when or not, we were all dying but it wasn’t my death or the death of my clients, it was THE DYING of all impermanent things/beings.

So I ask you, what suffering do you have in your present life?  Have you sat and just experienced it, with the tv off, without the sounds of the dog, the kids, the co-workers down the hall?  Have you allowed your awareness to scan your body and see where your suffering lives?  Have you breathed it into your heart and sat with the fact that there is suffering of all kinds in your life, all kinds of pain and losses.

Can you or will you just sit with what that is and feel it in your body, in your cells.  They tell people in AA that the first step is acknowledging that you are powerless.  In the case of Buddhism, the first truth is acknowledging your suffering.

Do you have a friend, a dog, a lover, a sibling, anyone who can sit with you in silence and allow you to sit with your suffering and be there to hold a safe space for you?  If not, what is that like?  If yes, are you willing to sit with it?

The First Noble Truth is there is suffering in our existence.  The Second Noble Truth is: There is a cause to our suffering.  This will be the next truth we explore.  Please share your experiences, if you feel comfortable and please come back and learn more about the Four Noble Truths.  Also, come back as I will have a post about Tongle Meditation that will post soon, giving you a way to sit with and work with your suffering

Until then, Metta.  Jennifer

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