Thich Nhat Hanh, in 2001, wrote a book called Anger. This is one of my favorite quotes: If you can relieve a lot of his suffering. Listen with only one purpose: to allow the other person to express himself and find relief from his suffering. Keep compassion alive during the whole time of listening. Anger, TNH.
Okay, I have an awesome team of medical people helping me: neurologist, PA, plenty of RNs and LPNs, LCSW, Psych, Biofeedback, PT, Acupuncturist, etc. Most have been very sweet and kind to me during my stay to try to break up my migraine cycle.
But here’s the thing. . . People come in and look at the computer screen and ask you how you are. They ask a question but do not listen fully or mindfully. Often times, one part of the team does not know what the other side is doing. Showing up 5 minutes after I’ve woken up and having not even gotten to the bathroom, someone bubbly comes in and asks how my headache is. Really? Thich Nhat Hahn is right about people needing to share their story, their myth, etc so that they can free up the energy and emotions that keep them suffering.
I’m not knocking the staff. Trust me, care here is way above just being cordial. They are a great team. It’s just sad that when you tell your doc that your advanced directives are done and you are my age, that he looks up with a question mark. Hello? I’m the one who has lived around dying, caregiving, and grief for 34 years and I know what I want and don’t want — my choice. That’s why those of us in end-of-life care have worked tirelessly. NO matter what age you are, you deserve to have the autonomy to chose; you have a right to decide how much suffering you are willing to put up with in situations like these. Sorry, I get frustrated over end-of-life topics. We need to start making all docs, nurses, etc take up communication classes and end-of-life classes. It’s one smart.
But compassion and empathy are they places to start. How do we teach those things? Can they be taught? Who is it in your life that affirms you and gives you their whole attention and mindfully listens to you with no corrections, advice, shaming, doubting, etc, I mean really just listens? And who do you do that for?
Have you ever sat in and watched a class of children in the past 10 years? Where I live, there is very little use of the word mindfulness and even when it is used, it is not what Thay, Salzburg, Brach, Pema Chodron, etc teach us. Classes are too big and kids problems are too expansive. Not enough time in the day for teachers to “fix” the kids in a classroom of 38, when they are teaching to the test. Wow, what would happen if we gave kids 10 minutes a day to be listened to, heard, and empathetically listen to others? I bet it would change an awful lot in this world.
When we take turns compassionately listing and loving speech, we communicate with one another, not at one another. It is there, in the space between the two communicating that true communication, true empathy, true love and grow!
(Aside, check out Thay’s books: True Love, The Art of Communicating, Beginning Anew, Reconciliation, and the Miracle of Mindfulness.)
With Love and Gratitude, Jenn