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On 12/13, I published the first part of this post. If you did not get to read it then, here is part I:
http://namasteconsultinginc.com/2011/12/08/layers-of-grief-part-i/
What I want to write about tonight is, how does healing on the grief journey,(healing the layers of primary and secondary losses), relate to mindfulness meditation?
Mindfulness meditation is a wonderful way of learning to be with what is. What does that mean?
It means that when we practice mindfulness meditation, we simply sit (or stand, walk, lay down, etc.) and allow our attention to be aware of what happens from moment to moment. It’s an act of self -kindness and anytime we can allow ourselves to be more compassionate, we not only help ourselves but we help the whole universe with which we are connected.
By practicing mindfulness meditation, we learn to not go for a ride with our thoughts; we learn to just observe them. We don’t let them carry us into dark places or ecstatic states. Moment to moment, we label that we are thinking, feeling, having a sensation, etc. We learn to not hold on to our judgments, criticisms, or attachment to these thoughts, feelings, and sensations. We label them and allow them to pass by.
You might be thinking that mediation might be a good way to relax or “zone out” but you might not see how mindfulness meditation is an appropriate way of living with our loss. But think about what happens when we start to review the deathbed scene with the person we love.
We may think to ourselves that we didn’t do enough for the person who died. “Why didn’t I make him take his pills? Why didn’t I insist she stop smoking? How was it that I did not see him declining? If only I had. . .” We do so much damage to ourselves when we think these things, casting so many judgments and showing ourselves no forgiveness while our hearts our broken.
But imagine if you had a tool to help teach you to find that mercy for yourself and as you practiced, with time, you could extend that mercy out to the whole universe? Guess what? Such tools really exists, tonglen and metta (lovingkindness). Tonglen which means sending and taking or exchanging self and other, but what does that mean?
When I was a counselor for hospice and facilitating groups all the time, I would often suggest tonglen as a way out of our self-hatred and condemnation, a way out of our isolation, and a way to feel empowered, having the ability to affect all beings. I especially liked to use metta in my parents’ groups because of the different level of isolation that accompanied the loss of a child.
Tonglen allows you to slowly learn to have compassion for yourself. By being mindful of the breath, we breathe in all of the fear, hatred, doubt, grief, anger that we have and breathe out compassion, care, empathy, kindness, companionship, or love for ourselves. We start with the inner most layer of our universe – ourselves.
Then we focus our attention out to someone we love. We breathe in the negative aspects that they may be going through and breathe out the same positive intentions for them. And then, a further layer out. . . to someone who is an acquaintance or someone we have neutral feelings towards.
One year when I had a lot of dental work done and was practicing mindfulness in the chair and I came to this point, I focused on the collective group of our hospice census. I could imagine any of them feeling things that I was feeling – fear, pain, anxiety, dread, dis-ease, etc. And I breathed that in and breathed out for them a sense of being supported and loved, ease from pain and suffering, and something pleasant for them, such as the sound of their grandchild or favorite song.
By practicing metta and tonglen, we extend beyond our own confines, beyond our viewpoint, beyond those we love or those we have little feeling for, and connect with all beings everywhere that are going through what we are and having compassion for them and for ourselves. We allow our hearts to expand through those layers.
So in going back to all the things we may face about the deathbed scene, we can even do a simple form of tonglen meditation and breathe in all of the doubt, second guessing, confusion, and pain of not doing enough for the person who died. We may breathe out light and grace for those people in the world who are feeling those things at that exact moment. Too often we believe that our pain is so big because we are the only ones who have ever gone through it or ever will. Tonglen allows us to clean off that lens and see that we are not the only ones who have or are experiencing these things. . . we are one with all those who have travelled this path throughout time.
I believe that mindfulness can be practiced in a myriad of ways. For instance, there is a link at the end of this post to a gentleman reading a metta meditation. Listen to him and allow him to guide you until you are ready to try on your own. If you have unsettled or unresolved issues with your loved one, try practicing metta with them, starting with yourself and your feelings, moving on to the aspects of the person that you most love, that you are indifferent to, and lastly those with which you still struggle.
As you practice metta with the recording, please stop back and share your experience with us.
May you be free of all suffering.
May you find comfort and sustenance.
May you feel deeply connected to all that is.
Namaste, Jennifer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNL4k3i30xQ
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